It’s extremely typical for a struggling college student to self-indulge in the eating of the Ramen. It’s a poor man’s way to stay full while suffering with constipation. Oh, I’ve seen the empty packages of Ramen in the garbages in the campus dorms; piles and piles of chicken, beef, pork and oriental flavors. Amidst its shitload of carbohydrates lies an insurmountable amount of sodium. For all of you who’ve eaten this shitty mix of college delight, you’ve probably had a slight sodium hangover. I know I have.

Personally, I can’t stand eating the Ramen. How about you? No, thought so. So now let’s move on to the intestinal consequence of eating the Ramen. There’s this wonderful process that takes place once you swallow your food called peristalsis, the contraction of muscles which move in a wave down the esophagus. However, when one eats the Ramen, it’s as if the process suddenly shuts down (I WONDER WHY), kind of like it recognized a foreign food-like substance. Now don’t eat get me wrong, the Ramen taste good…while it’s HOT, but once that sucker cools, it’s like swallowing the starting product. The dumb-ass college student has eaten the Ramen. 40 minutes!

The Ramen then continues in the stomach where the acids (protease and hydrochloric acid) that do suppose to breakdown the food somehow dysfunctions. You can just picture the acids saying “what the hell is this foreign shit you’ve eaten?” Instead of being processed within 40 minutes to a couple of hours, it just sits there dazed and confused; the Ramen is looking at the acids and the acids are looking at the Ramen. It’s anybody’s game at this point. Then the acid sensing something better has entered the esophagus, half-asses it and breakdown 30% of the Ramen and passes it off to the small intestine, which is not too happy to receive it. 4 hours!

The small intestine looks at the Ramen like “who and what the hell are you?” The Ramen sits there half processed and exposed of its fat ass carbohydrates lingering around. Thinking of a way to pay both the stomach and the dumb-ass college student back for having eaten and passing it off to it, now decides to do the unthinkable: total shutdown, which doesn’t allow the stomach to further process the delicious food that has entered after the Ramen. It takes a few minutes for the small intestine to explain to the pancreas the situation at hand. The pancreas then only secretes 10% of the enzymes that are supposed to do 60% of the work. By this time the dumb-ass college student is feeling a little bloated and experiences some discomfort (expelling of gas). But wait, THERE’S MORE. 10 hours!

It’s now the small intestine time (with the enzymes donated by the pancreas to pump shit loads of nutrients into the blood stream). But instead of nutrients, it pumps 5 billion milligrams of sodium into the blood stream, hence the start of the sodium hangover. The small intestine then knocks on the Large intestine door and explains the situation, with a heartfelt speech. The Large intestine understanding what the dumb-ass college student has done, agrees in helping to bestow a wrath of pain. 15 hours-1 day!

The Large intestine looks at the 55% processed Ramen and laughs at it. It then drains all the water out of the Ramen until it is a hard paste and moves it slowly to the rectum. While it’s slowly moving the foreign Ramen to the rectum, it sends text messages to the nerves telling them to shoot pains through the dumb-ass college student’s body. The dumb-ass college student is now in agony, but he/she hasn’t experienced the final push! 2 days!

The Rectum, a body’s most coveted friend in the elimination process is experiencing a total traffic jam of Ramen shit. It’s sending over a thousand text messages and signals to the Anus, alarming it to brace itself for what’s to come. The Anus then works out its muscles (contracting and tensing up), fearing massive anal ripping. A systematic alarm warns the body to brace itself for deployment of the Ramen. The dumb-ass student pushes for 20 minutes while on the toilet, whipping only paste from the base of his/her anus and causes the air to fume with decomposing shit. This continues until all has cleared, or until the abdominal muscles call it quits. 2 day 2 hours!

Finally the dumb-ass college student has finished and the remains of the Ramen lay at the bottom of the toilet. It’s up to the toilet to figure out the next step: either carry it down to the pits of the dormitory or humiliate him/her by stopping up and flooding the bathroom. In this case, to not cause a scene, it takes it down with two flushes.

For the next few days the Anus spends it time in recovery mode, having suffered from massive ripping.

The deed is done and the dumb-ass college student has promised to never eat the Ramen again and get his/her broke ass a job. This is just another day in the life of a college student. Enjoy the Ramen!

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